For many years, I worked at a company with a person who greeted me every morning with some variation on, “You won’t believe what they’ve done now!” Part of my job was to listen to any complaints and recommend solutions to the owner of the company (my boss), or alternatively, to help people to see why the new policies or procedures were necessary. And Bob (not his real name, of course) decided that this morning ritual of his was a forum for getting twenty minutes of my attention on an almost-daily basis.
Using the technique I’ll describe in this article, I was eventually able to change Bob’s behavior from being a “victim of the system” to becoming a valuable team member, empowered to solve problems. Bob became instrumental in brainstorming ways of doing things better, assisting management in making prudent decisions, and helping to create a more pleasant working environment.
I imagine you’ve been faced more than once by someone who complains about seemingly everything. “They always…” “She never…” “Why can’t they ever…” Annoying as these people can be, it’s important to practice empathy as you deal with them. They seem convinced that others are going out of their way to make life difficult for them. The world would be, in their opinion, “so much nicer if people would just…”
Now, we must admit that from time to time, all of us complain about one thing or another. We probably share our thoughts and feelings with close friends and family members, and that’s completely natural—as well as healthful.
Furthermore, not all complaints are bad. Some can lead to fruitful discussions and positive changes, but it can be difficult to distinguish between the people who are simply in need of attention, and those with real problems that require solutions. Your job is to identify who’s who in this situation, and luckily, there’s a simple and effective way to do it.
Let’s walk through a quick example before we break it into steps:
You are banging away on your keyboard, trying to finish a report, and your star complainer comes in and, with a heavy sigh, flops down on your guest chair. You keep working for a moment, then look up and say,
“Hi! What can I help you with?”
“I can’t believe it! She decided that anyone who is even one minute late will get docked an hour’s pay! They can’t do that! It’s not fair!”
“Really, how did you find out?”
“Fred told Mary who told Diane who told Amy who told me.”
“It sounds like you think this could be a problem. I suspect the way it’s being reported is probably inaccurate, but I’d like you to find out more. Will you please ask Fred how he heard about it, and then will you also find out the real details of the new policy, and when it will take effect? Can you get back to me by one o’clock today with an answer to my questions, plus some ways to counteract any rumors that have started? And also, will you think of some ways to let people know what the actual new policy says? Thanks so much.”
So, what did you do in this example? Here are the basic steps:
- Really listen to what the person says.
- Look for key words and phrases in their speech: “they, always, never, everyone, no one, not fair.” (These words are usually signs of chronic complainers, especially when paired together, as in, “they’re always unfair.”)
- Be sure to not agree or disagree with what’s said. Just listen and, if needed, ask questions.
- Ask the person to go on a fact-finding mission.
- Set up a time to meet with the person again, to look over the information, and to discuss solutions. (Ideally, you might want to ask them for three workable solutions.)
Now comes the tricky part. When the person returns, ask if they have three solutions (or at least one solution) to the problem. You need to hear suggestions to resolve the issue—you don’t want to hear the same complaint, with additional drama added, over and over again. (If that happens, stop the other person and remind them that you already know the problem. Ask them to present solutions only.)
If the person comes to the follow-up meeting with no solutions, stop right there and reschedule the meeting time. Let the person know you have all the time in the world to hear solutions, but not repetitions of the problem.
The advantages of addressing this type of behavior using this technique are numerous:
- It stops chronic complainers cold. They generally want attention, not solutions.
- It acknowledges those with legitimate complaints and invites them to be part of the solution to the problem.
- It offers the chronic complainers the same opportunity and validation as the people with legitimate problems.
- It can turn your chronic complainers into solution finders, rather than problem carriers. (“Wow, so that’s the way the receive praise and attention from my boss!”)
- It makes your working environment happier and more productive, because people are looking for ways to do things better.
One of my proudest moments in “people management” was when Bob said to me, “We have a problem with running out of office supplies on the last few days before the next order arrives. I know—I need to get the facts together and bring you three solutions, but I just wanted you to know what I was doing.”
(Victory!)
Try using this technique to handle complaints, and I think that you will be pleasantly surprised. Good luck, remain positive, and watch for my next installment in dealing with difficult people!