Wow. It must be “Difficult People Season!” I’ve never had more follow-up questions than I did to the article I posted two weeks ago, on dealing with difficult people. So, let’s continue the conversation over the next few weeks…
One of the toughest difficult behaviors people ask me about is what to do when someone starts yelling and won’t calm down. One reader in Miami, Florida said, “Whatever I say or do, I make it worse. I’m at my wit’s end.” (This was regarding a co-worker who often flies into a rage.)
There are many reasons why people begin yelling: it’s how they get their way, it’s been “one of those days,” they just got chewed out and are passing it along (called “displacement” in psychology-speak), or they’re passive people who finally break that day and deliver a lifetime’s worth of energetic fury. (I’ve seen that last one happen more than a few times in my practice as a psychologist.)
And, no matter what the underlying cause is, any of us can react negatively to such behavior.
Today, I want to share with you a few tips on how to deal with this type of behavior. I think you’ll find these methods will help you communicate with people when they yell, scream, and jump about.
For starters, begin by finding a place in your mind and heart where you can practice forgiveness. (I know, I know; that’s easier said than done, but let’s continue.) In reality, anyone can “loose it.” Everyone has that one last thing go wrong. One too many rude comments directed at them. The driver who cuts them off on the freeway. All of us have experienced such poor customer service that we’ve felt compelled to make some noise in order to attract the proper attention. It’s important to never judge another person; instead, do your best to help them to lower the volume, dry the tears, and/or find a solution.
Next, you must remain calm when the yelling starts. Do not react outwardly to the uproar they’re making. Go into a relaxed posture and make your face as blank and non-responsive as you can. This is called a “neutral silent stare.” You basically look blank, almost as if you were daydreaming.
At the same time, actively listen for what the real problem is. Listen for both the facts and the emotions that are going through the other person’s head. Specifically, you are sorting out the following:
Fact or feeling
Focused or unfocused (meaning specific or vague)
Impersonal or personal
At between 30 and 60 seconds (which feels like eternity), raise your hand in a non-threatening stop motion and begin by saying the person’s name, if you know it, or Sir or Ms if you don’t. Then, initiate your response based upon what you’ve just heard.
If the outburst is more fact based, the outburst behavior is sometimes called “steamrolling.” This person wants a solution, as well as someone to take responsibility for what’s wrong, so your response must deliver on what the person needs.
Often, literature on diffusing difficult behavior encourages you to deal with emotions first. However, someone who is steamrolling will usually become even more upset if you start there. Instead, focus on two items as you speak to them: on the facts as the person stated them, and on finding a win-win solution. (And no matter what, always stay calm.)
Use a neutral facial expression coupled with limited vocal inflection, and say something like, “I know what you wanted is not done. I’m going to take the lead and get this to you as fast as possible. So, I can do that, may I ask you a few questions?” You may need to repeat this a few times but remain calm and repeat what you said until the other person is able to regain their composure and respond to you.
If the person’s outburst is more feeling based, your response after the first 30 to 60 seconds will look and sound quite different. Here, you are responding to the emotion, the seeming “soul-cry” of the other person. In this moment, the other person just wants to know that someone on some level cares for them and wants them to be happy (or at least happier than they are right now), that someone knows they’re hurting—that they matter. So in this case, you want to remain calm while being empathic to the underlying causes. Rather than looking and sounding neutral, let your face and voice reflect concern and caring.
Your general message is, “I can tell you are upset. No one should have to feel that way. I don’t want you to feel that way. Tell me what’s wrong.” Your job is to listen to the story, not solve the problem right away. This person is looking for validation, and often what they’re talking about doesn’t actually matter to them—it was simply the last straw, and they need to vent.
There’s a third type of mind set that produces yelling and screaming. I call it the “thermonuclear explosion.” I find it helps to remind yourself—as the person carries on and on—that whether the person is 2 or 72, they’re simply having a temper tantrum, plain and simple! It’s all over the place in terms of focus, shifting from fact to feeling and from personal to impersonal, over and over again. Name calling is often used to try to belittle or shame you into giving the person exactly what they want. It’s definitely the most difficult behavior of the three to deal with, because just as you get their feeling side calmed down, their fact side can start becoming indignant again. The best response to such behavior is:
Neutral silent stare
Listen intently
Stay calm
Use a neutral voice and say something like, “I want to hear what you have to say…and not in this way,” or “I’m becoming so distracted by your language that I can’t hear your problem.”
A few years ago, I was waiting my turn to report a lost piece of luggage. Let me say that the people who work in luggage reclaim deserve combat medals! They need to deal calmly and professionally with every distressed person who comes to their counter—and there’s usually a long line of them waiting to be helped. The man in front of me had worked himself into a complete frenzy because his luggage was lost. And, I will never forget the agent as she put on her neutral silent stare, listened calmly, and tried to defuse the situation. Finally, after several attempts to move the conversation forward, she said to the man, “Sir, exactly two people in the universe care where your luggage is right now, and one of us is losing interest.”
The shock seemed to work. And once this man could calmly explain what happened and why he was so frantic (his luggage had been gate-checked, despite the attendant being told it had medications in it; and no claim ticket had been given to him), she immediately got to work and was able to find his luggage and solve his problem.
As I’ve gone over a few different approaches to dealing with loud, upset people, you’ll notice one common denominator: you yourself must remain calm. Don’t enter the fray! There’s already enough “energy” flying around in the air, and you don’t want to contribute to it—it’ll only prolong the problem. Instead, find your unruffled, composed center, and respond from that place only.
In my next blog, we’ll tackle still another evidently “popular” difficult behavior, according to many of my readers: chronic complainers. Stay tuned!