You probably know people who always say or do the right thing at the right moment, and never seem to lose their cool. Whether it’s while facing an angry customer, uncooperative co-worker, snarky employee, or cranky boss, they never stammer, stumble, or get thrown off. They seem to sail through even the toughest situations. And most importantly, they always seem to achieve the results they want.
Not surprisingly, someone who shows this kind of powerful poise and presence is also the person who rapidly rises through the ranks.
How about you? Have you ever mentally kicked yourself for saying the wrong thing during an emotional conversation at work? (Here’s a hot tip: everyone has!) But if you think you could never do what those cool, calm, collected communicators do, think again. Great communicators are made, not born, and you can be one, too—with the right tools and knowledge.
Let’s examine how to initiate and conduct successful, positive conversations (even about tough topics), and what to do if things start to go off track:
1. Remain objective — I’ll even go a step further: remain beyond objective. Approach each conversation as if you had already planned on agreeing with the other person. (Yes, you read that right.) And to clarify, I’m not saying that you actually have to end up agreeing—just start with that attitude. This technique accomplishes several positive things. First, if you begin with an “agreement mindset,” your body language will show it, and your open, friendly facial expression will help the other person to relax and communicate openly. Second, you’ll be much better at listening for and hearing all the ways in which you and the other person really are in agreement, which will promote cooperativeness and collaboration. If you allow your emotions to take over at the get-go, you can’t be objective—and you lose your effectiveness as a communicator.
2. Listen — Hey, not so fast! It’s easy to skim over this step, telling yourself that of course you listen during a conversation. (Duh!) But it’s vital to spend a little time reassessing your listening skills. Are you really listening to others, or are you simply biding time by being quiet until you can deliver a “brilliant” retort, or tell others why they’re wrong? Instead, make sure you keep your mind trained on the topic at hand (and not your grocery list or your upcoming response), eliminate (or at least minimize) distractions, show interest through your facial expression and body language, and don’t interrupt—no matter how badly you want to. One more important thing: be sure to listen for feelings as well as for content. Like it or not, emotions often drive the outcome of an interaction.
3. Paraphrase — Hurray for paraphrasing! It’s one of my favorite topics, and I’ve talked about it in many of my previous articles and blogs. Done correctly, paraphrasing can become your most valuable communication skill. Briefly, paraphrasing involves saying back to the other person the essence of what they’re telling you, without adding to or subtracting from the message. It’s performed at natural intervals during a conversation, and—this is important—has nothing to do with whether you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying. (Takeaway from that last part: even if you disagree with the other person, this isn’t the time to say so. You’re simply feeding back what you believe the other person is expressing, regardless of your position on the topic.) Paraphrasing helps to encourage communication from the other person, it reinforces your understanding of what’s being said, and it also strengthens your attentiveness to the conversation.
4. Concentrate on common ground — If you’re listening attentively, you’ll almost surely find something you can agree on. Make sure you point out where you see eye to eye—doing so will create a friendlier, more cooperative conversational environment. And if you can manage to understand the feelings the other person is encountering (especially if it’s a difficult negative feeling, like hurtfulness, anger, or sadness), you’ll experience true empathy, which can assist you in finding a win-win solution that you may have previously overlooked. When you concentrate on (or actively create) common ground, you show the other person that you’re cooperative and open, which sends a strong message of positivity and goodwill.
5. Untangling a tangle – But what if things don’t go smoothly? First of all, it’s important to make sure you don’t say or do anything to make the situation worse. Stephen Covey gave an excellent piece of advice for handling disagreements: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. If you do your best to listen to (and to empathize with) the other person, they’ll be much more attentive to your point of view. And then, as you proceed through a difficult or challenging conversation, keep in mind the following tips:
- Use caution. Proceed slowly and with care. Keep your body language relaxed and open. Allow the other person to share their position first. Don’t interrupt, and avoid a “me versus you” tone—it’ll stifle the flow of the conversation.
- Get a full understanding. If you’re like me, you don’t necessarily love conflict, and it’s tempting to “make it stop” as quickly as possible. However, this approach can often lead to misinterpretations, and can even prolong the conflict. Instead, try not to rush the conversation, even if it’s an uncomfortable one. Gather as much information as possible about the other person’s position before proceeding ahead.
- Find out how firm their position is. If the other person hasn’t shown how strongly they feel about the argument, it’s perfectly OK to ask them. After all, it’s possible that the issue may be “no big deal” to them, and the disagreement can be settled quickly. (This tip comes from my experience as a business consultant, where I’ve been brought in to settle a conflict, only to discover that the issue wasn’t actually material or important to the arguing parties!)
- State your case. After you’ve heard the other side, at the right time (preferably, when everyone’s emotions have eased), share your thoughts as briefly, clearly, and objectively as you can. In this case, less is more. It’s tempting to go on and on (and on), but brevity is your friend. You will appear more informed and committed to your position with fewer words.
- Compromise. Ugh, there’s that word. You knew it was coming. There may be times when you’re absolutely, beyond-a-doubt right, and your opponent acquiesces entirely to your position. (Don’t gloat—it’s not nice!) However, in most cases, you must be prepared to both receive and give concessions to the other person. That’s what compromise means. So before you move into the resolution phase of a difficult discussion, do a little soul searching to determine ahead of time where you can agree and what you can concede—and then move toward a win-win solution. (Remember, a true win-win solution means that both parties walk away feeling good about the outcome.)
One last point, and this one’s true for every type of conversation—even the breezy, positive ones. It’s essential to thank the other person for speaking with you. Whether or not you agree with them, whether or not you reached a completely satisfying outcome, whether or not you even like the other person—it doesn’t matter. A sincere, genuine thank you shows your appreciation of the other person, and recognizes their efforts to resolve the issue. What’s more, saying “thank you” validates the other person as an individual, and—here’s the most important part—it also makes others more willing to speak with you in the future.
Do you have a question you’d like for me to tackle in a future blog? Just say the word! I love suggestions. Drop me a line at my website, and tell me what’s on your mind. And, as always, please stay safe, healthy, productive, and joyful!