Have you ever been walking down the street when suddenly, someone in front of you gets knocked to the ground by another pedestrian, and your body instinctively tenses up like you’re the one who fell? And, because falling is only funny in a movie where a guy slips on a banana peel, most of us with a heart will immediately empathize with the person who went down. We can feel what they’re feeling when they hit the ground: anger, embarrassment, foolishness, and pain.
The reason we humans do this is because of the mirror neurons in our brains. Mirror neurons give us empathy and understanding for each other on an emotional level. They also make it easy for us to get caught up in those same emotions—positive or negative.
Recently, I was giving a series of lectures at a university in Southern California. After one session, I was chatting with a senior who seemed to be a little stressed. It turns out that she herself was doing OK, but her roommate was completely freaking out about project due dates and mid-terms. It was so bad in their apartment that this student felt like she was as stressed as her roommate.
This made me think about others in similar situations. How do you insulate yourself from a boss who always seems overwhelmed and agitated? Or from a cubicle neighbor who’s hit a rough patch and has been habitually complaining to you each morning for the last three weeks?
Even your anxious co-worker who’s suffering in silence affects you. Those mirror neurons can react to unintentional, nonverbal signals. Although we sometimes try to ignore them, none of us are immune to sad looks and deep sighs.
Neurologists tell us that dealing with second-hand stress is a lot like dealing with any stress. Finding ways to regain some level of control helps us cope and makes us less susceptible to its effects.
So here are seven practical suggestions to help you overcome second-hand stress:
1. Don’t judge
Try as you might, it’s unlikely that you’ll change how someone else is affected by (or responds to) stress. So, no matter whether you’re sympathetic or annoyed, your focus should be on protecting yourself from collateral damage—not on changing the other person. In fact, saying things like, “Oh, it’s not that bad,” or “You’ve just got to get over it” can do more harm than good. Instead, do your best to use non-judgmental and supportive phrases such as, “I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time right now.”
2. Acknowledge their stress
By gently asking the other person about what you’re observing in their behavior, you’ll provide them with a sense of feeling seen and heard. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been looking a little down lately…” If they come back with an “I’m fine,” then so be it. Honor their privacy and move on. And if they tell you their troubles, respond in a neutral but genuinely empathic way, rather than saying something to escalate or enable. Try something like, “You certainly have a lot going on,” or “That must be hard.”
3. If you believe you have cause for concern, ask them how badly they’re stressed
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how worried should I be about your level of stress right now?” Some people respond more intensely and vocally when they’re worried or anxious. They may rate their stress at a four or five even though it looks and sounds significantly higher to you. This question might also prompt them to reveal other things that are contributing to their stress, allowing you to be a sounding board.
4. Identify when to help and when to give some space
You are not a crutch. If a co-worker is temporarily over-burdened and your help will enable them to catch up or relieve pressure, jumping in seems logical. “Is there anything I can do to help you out?” is perfect in this situation. However, if their constant state of being behind is habitual and stems from a lack of planning or ability, you’ll probably want to draw a line. “Would you like me to check in with our boss to see if she’s okay with my helping you out again?” This keeps your boss in the loop, and also forces your co-worker to do a bit of self-assessment and (hopefully) self-correction.
5. Practice self-protection methods
End the noise of an always-ranting co-worker by putting in your earbuds. Meditate. Do some relaxation exercises at your desk. Practice taking slow, deep breaths to slow your heart rate. By doing this, you keep yourself calm and in control, so you’ll make good decisions and maintain perspective. Remind yourself that the other person’s issues have nothing to do with you. This makes your brain less likely to mimic their stress.
6. Set better boundaries for difficult co-workers
Is it possible that staying more detached would serve you better? Saying, “Oh, that must be so frustrating for you” is completely empathic, yet non-participatory. And if ranting is continuous, you may need to talk to the person and let them know the effect their behavior is having on you or your group. Learn to gracefully remove yourself from conversations without seeming insensitive. “I need to get my work done right now. I’ll catch up with you later.” Don’t join in conversations where you can simply listen instead.
7. Spread a little sunshine
Smile and say hello to everyone. Be kind to others. Speak enthusiastically about your life and your work. And build bonds with your colleagues. (Strong social networks make us happier, more resilient, and cut stress, suggests greatest.com.) Begin conversations on a positive note. Complaining can start a ripple effect, so choose your words carefully and help others stay positive. An optimistic attitude is just as contagious as a stressed-out attitude (some research suggests even more so), so start a secret little “attitude war” in your office, and do your best to win it via your sparkling personality and enthusiasm for life and all its challenges. Doris Day, Sandra Dee, and Mary Poppins were all natural-born stress reducers!
Second-hand stress really can be contagious. When the stressed-out individual is a friend or close colleague, allowing them to vent can definitely help relieve some pressure. But you’re the judge on how available you want to be for these venting sessions, and it’s completely up to you to draw the line if you’re feeling exploited. Always stay in control of the situation—whether that means graciously and willingly helping an overwhelmed colleague, learning to set definitive limits with co-workers who overburden you with their problems, or simply forging ahead by maintaining (and modeling) your own sunny disposition.