Do you happen to have your very own difficult person?
How many times have you ever wished your difficult person would just stop being difficult? Did that change their difficult behavior?
How many times have you ever told someone else about your difficult person: “I can’t believe it, but I was standing right outside my office door, and then he just came up and…” Did that change their difficult behavior?
Have you ever had the perfect storm of a horrible day, when if-it-can-go-wrong-it-will, and you were kind of looking for a fight (it’s OK to admit it), and then here came your difficult person, who immediately began tap-dancing on your last nerve, and you finally said, “OK, sucker, let’s just take this thing down the hallway and finish it now, shall we?!” Did that change their difficult behavior?
Of course not.
Here’s what we need to remember about difficult people:
1. Difficult people behave the way they do because it works.
2. It gets them what they want.
3. They found this out by the time they were two years old, quite literally.
4. By five, they had the life equivalency of a PhD in getting their way through this behavior, and…
5. They have been doing their post-doctoral research ever since.
You may not like what I’m about to say here, but it’s true: The only way to control someone else’s difficult behavior is to change your response to the behavior. And that’s a behavioral fact.
People don’t change because they realize it would be good for us. They change only because it makes sense to them. And that usually means that they can’t get what they want with their difficult behavior any longer (at least around you).
The greatest secret to handling difficult people is that when we focus on our responses to them, we’re able to change their behavior for the better—and without a big fight, or even a lot effort on our part.
So, let’s get started. To begin with, I always recommend that people spend time writing about their experiences with difficult people, and then create a plan to cope with their behaviors:
1. Write down everything the other person does or says that you find difficult. Make sure you focus on their specific behaviors— not on their attitudes, or on what you suppose might be their intentions, their feelings, or their “plot” to make you crazy.
2. Write what you wish they would do instead. Here, you must describe what behaviors you really want the other person to exhibit. This might take a little effort, because we rarely think about how to describe what we want—we just “know.”
3. Write down what you do when the difficult behavior occurs. Don’t assign blame to either party, and be honest. For this step, you may need to ask for third party input or validation: what have others seen you do in response to the difficult behavior? Have you given in, gotten angry, retreated, or become defensive? Maybe you’ve become difficult when you’ve had to respond to the difficult person. (Wow. Could it be that you are that person’s difficult person?)
The truth is: No one is a villain. No one is a victim. In difficult interactions, we are all involved, and we are all responsible.
Let’s move on to the next step in understanding difficult people…
4. Do a little soul-searching. Difficult people’s behavior works because they steal emotional control from you. Ask yourself what emotional reactions you experience when you attempt to handle the other person’s difficult behavior. (And sometimes, all it takes is seeing that difficult person!)
As you assess your reactions, you may find that the other person’s difficult behavior will automatically trigger a negative response from you. Write this down, too, and be sure to start with the words, “I feel…” or “I become…” instead of “X makes me feel…” (You’ve heard this before, and it’s true: no one actually makes you feel anything. You choose to feel it, even if it doesn’t feel like a choice at the time.) Maybe the difficult person reminds you of a classmate who bullied you. Maybe they remind you of a parent or authority figure who demeaned you. Or maybe they simply address you in a way that offends you. If you can figure out what’s really bugging you, you’re more apt to be able to move from an emotional reaction to an intelligent response.
Don’t give anyone else control of your emotions. Once you acknowledge that your emotional response is yours and yours alone, you can often see solutions that you couldn’t see before, back when you were letting the other person steal your emotional control.
5. Make a list of ten things that you like about yourself. These could be things that you’re proud of, or things you’re really good at doing. Why is this so important? Because often, our personal strengths and abilities are the very things difficult people can cloud from our minds, as we struggle to stay positive. You need to remind yourself that you have impressive successes, wonderful qualities, and are worthy of a happy life, filled with rewarding personal and professional relationships. You are a valuable person, and you’re worth the effort!
6. Ask yourself if you might be cueing into something else. If you do a little sleuthing, you might come to realize that it’s not really the difficult person who’s driving you mad. Perhaps it’s simply not the best time of day when you usually encounter them (you’re exhausted, you’re hungry, or you’re not awake yet), or the pressure of a weekly sales meeting that always makes you feel short-tempered, or maybe the other person simply has a personal style you don’t relate to (they’re talkative and you’re the quiet type, or you’re a quick decision maker and they like to deliberate). It’s possible that the other person’s “difficult” behavior wouldn’t be deemed difficult if you encountered them in a different environment, or at a different time of day.
7. Create a plan to change your response. and then implement it. I’ve already mentioned that you’ve most likely “taught” your difficult person to be difficult. How? Because you’re currently giving them exactly what they want, or they wouldn’t continue doing whatever they’re doing. Here are a few examples:
Your difficult person continually interrupts you while you’re speaking in a group.
What do you do? You stop speaking and allow him to take the floor. Bingo! He just seized control of the conversation.
Instead, memorize a brief, simple sentence and use it whenever you’re interrupted: “Excuse me, I want to finish what I’m saying.”
Your difficult person constantly forgets her materials in your weekly meetings.
What do you do? You give her your spare pen, (and sometimes, your only pen) and you move around the table so you can share your laptop screen with her. And voila! She can now show up unprepared from here on out.
Instead, tell your colleague, “I need my laptop in front of me so I can focus directly on the report, and I want to use my pen to take notes.”
Your difficult person teases you in front of others about the “weird stuff” you bring to eat for lunch.
What do you do? You begin eating your lunch in your office, in order to avoid his taunting ridicule.
Instead, respond with, “I eat exactly what I want to during my lunch breaks.”
Your difficult person is forever walking slowly past your cubicle, sighing loudly and mumbling about how hard her job is.
What do you do? You ask her what’s wrong, and then you spend the next 15 minutes listening to stories about why she can’t close any phone sales with the crappy customer list her supervisor just gave her, and it’s always too hot in the office, and she has to come in too early on Mondays, and-and-and…
Instead: Ignore her! Just let her keep walking, no matter how much she dawdles or how loudly she complains to herself. Ignoring works for a great many difficult behaviors. By removing the “reinforcer” (in this case, the attention from you), the difficult behavior will simply disappear—often along with the person herself, who will begin searching the office for another victim. (But at least it won’t be you!)
Notice that each of these suggested statements are brief, factual, and to the point— it’s always better not to go into a lot of detail. I positively guarantee that if you respond this way, the difficult person will lose steam and will eventually change their behavior—or move on to another target.
Two words of caution: First, no one really likes to give up what was working for them, so be prepared for resistance. It might take several attempts before your colleague comes prepared with her own meeting materials. And secondly, be prepared for what’s called “behavioral substitution.” Your co-worker may stop bugging you about your lunch, but he might start dissing the kind of car you drive. Don’t give up! Difficult people became that way because it got them what they wanted, and it might take a while for you to retrain them.
Remember, when you’re dealing with difficult people, the solution begins with you!