Wow. That rhymes, and I wasn’t even trying! I’m already feeling pretty great about writing this article…
So, another year flashes past, and here we are again: it’s my final post of 2021. For the past several years, I’ve written about making New Year’s resolutions, which, by the way, I totally believe in, despite statistics experts telling us that most resolutions are abandoned by the end of January. (Hey! I still make resolutions, and I still achieve almost all of ‘em, so don’t believe everything they tell you.)
However, this time, I want to share some tips that I hope will make you feel better about facing the new year (which already seems to be filled with all sorts of scary predictions) positively, confidently, and assertively. What better time to think about making improvements in how you come across to others than now, as the calendar is about to read (yikes!) 2022.
Whether you’re a student, a career professional, currently unemployed, or blissfully retired, a big part of your world consists of relationships with others—probably lots of them. Relationships are valuable commodities, and as such, they’re well worth taking the time and energy to nurture and develop. So how do you do it? With just a few simple tweaks in your behavior, you can demonstrate your engagement and interest in others, as well as your genuine care, understanding, and love.
Let’s jump right in, like we always do…
Open facial expression, combined with leaning forward (just slightly) when interacting with others. An open facial expression means that you deliberately look as if you’re giving your undivided attention to the person (or people) you’re speaking with, that you’re taking in what they’re saying, and that you are not making any dismissive judgments as you’re listening—even if you plan to disagree after they’re finished. The best way to develop your open facial expression is by practicing in a mirror until you can sense what it feels like. Why? Because some people unconsciously frown or look worried as they’re listening, which can shut down communication. By cultivating an open facial expression, people will be much more relaxed and receptive around you.
By leaning forward, you signal that you’re interested, engaged, and actively listening to others. Most people know what this action feels like, because we do it naturally when we’re truly “present” in a conversation. Leaning forward is a cross-cultural, universal component of human body language, which encourages the other person to open up—and we tend to trust and appreciate people who appear to truly “get” us.
Quick acknowledgement to our current mask-wearing situation… I hear this question all the time from audiences: With our faces masked, does our facial expression even matter right now? In a word, yes! It’s important to continue to look interested, regardless of whether people can see your entire face. Why? Because as mask wearing has continued on (and on and on), we’re all learning to “see” and interpret what’s under the mask via the muscles that are still exposed on our cheeks, foreheads, and the corners of our eyes. So don’t assume you can look bored, or—God forbid—out-and-out yawn while you’re interacting with others. They can still see you!
Assertive eye contact. It’s important to look people directly in the eyes when you’re interacting with them. There are actually two times when it’s essential: when you’re giving instructions, and when you’re sharing information. But even in general, in order for people to feel as if you’re connecting with them, you must make eye contact. By doing so, you’re showing that you’re engaged in the conversation, you’re interested in what they’re saying, you feel good about yourself and your own assertiveness, and you’re an open, friendly person. Incidentally, it’s also important to break eye contact, just a tiny bit, or you’ll look intimidating and aggressive. Ideal, assertive eye contact involves looking directly at the person, mostly, and breaking eye contact, just a little.
Powerful posture. Your posture counts for a lot. Studies show that people with good posture are seen as more successful, harder working, more reliable, and—get this!—more trustworthy. Relax your arms at your sides (or on your lap or tabletop, if sitting), bring your shoulders back, and place your feet slightly apart when standing, or directly on the floor when sitting. With your arms at your sides, rather than in your pockets or folded over your chest, you look open and non-judgmental, ready to receive others wholeheartedly. (Bonus tip: so as not to appear nervous, bored, or distracted, avoid playing with your cuticles, jingling the keys in your pocket, or any other form of fidgeting.)
Putting your shoulders back signals that you’re comfortable with yourself, able to “own your own space,” confident, and unafraid. Standing with your feet slightly apart makes you look stable and competent. And placing your feet directly on the floor when sitting signals that you’re relaxed and self-assured.
As a brief aside, women often ask me about the “shoulders back” tip. Here’s the common concern: you don’t want to appear as if you’re sticking your chest out. But I invite you to make peace with your chest, and I assure you, no matter what you think, that you’ll look far better if you put your shoulders back and stand assertively than if you slouch.
Subtle mirroring. Mirroring means reflecting what another person is doing or feeling right now. The simplest description is this: Sit like they sit; speak like they speak. It often happens automatically and unconsciously with highly empathic people, and truly great communicators use this technique consistently. (Fun fact: generally speaking, women tend to be better at mirroring than men.) If mirroring is done the right way, the other person will subtly feel that you and they are similar, that you understand them, and that you are trustworthy. In essence, you want the other person to identify with you.
Mirroring is best done in very understated, simple ways, and I must add a word of caution: you certainly shouldn’t copy everything another person does—if you’re too obvious, it may seem like you’re mimicking them in a smart-alecky way. Instead, very gently adopting just a few of their postures and gestures will show that the two of you are on the same wavelength.
Warm smile. In every culture around the world (including those that have been isolated from other cultures via geographical barriers), smiling is the universal signal for friendliness. There are countless studies on the positive effects of smiling: lowered cortisol levels, increased serotonin levels, lowered blood pressure, and increased blood flow to the brain—for both the smiler and the smilee. What’s more, smiling is literally contagious! A recent study shows that it’s nearly impossible for a person to look at a smiling face and not smile themselves. In short, smiling makes you and everyone around you feel better. A smile can help you disarm an opponent, negotiate a contract, connect with a stranger, lighten tension, warm a heart, offer encouragement, and make you appear relaxed and comfortable in your own skin.
One more acknowledgement to our masked world… Even if your mouth is currently covered with a mask, it’s still important to smile—perhaps more than ever, since so many people are reporting feelings of isolation and loneliness during Covid times. Smiling isn’t just about your mouth—your eyes smile, too, and they’re still up front and visible to anyone in need of a cheery, encouraging grin.
That’s it for today…and that’s it for the entire year. It’s my sincerest hope that you’ve enjoyed my articles, and that you’ve found a few particles of inspiration or bits of wisdom that have motivated you to become your very best self. Take good care, stay safe, and may 2022 bring all good things to you and your loved ones. See you in three weeks!